PHOTO: Mary van Balen
Friends. God’s Grace. Emerson said, “The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it.” Tonight I would add that they are also the support that keeps it standing.

I have been emotionally fragile for the past week or so. Alone in the early evening, sorting through Christmas ornaments and preparing to pack up the last few things in the house we are selling, I realized I did not have the heart for the work. I called a friend to see if he would like to go out to eat; he had other plans. I stared at the mess for a while and decided what I really wanted to do was drive back home and have dinner; I wished I had someone to share it with me.

I called a friend from my theology study days and she offered to meet me at a restaurant despite having already eaten. Forty-five minutes later we were sitting at a table. I ordered wine and fish and she sipped on a glass of ice water. Heartfelt sharing continued until we walked to our cars and parted after a warm hug.

I had not been home longer than five minutes when the phone rang. My night sky-watching friend called to see how I was doing. We both wished the sky was clear instead of harboring a storm; who knew, perhaps we could have seen a glimpse of the spectacular aurora borealis that was painting the sky further north. The Perseid meteor shower arrives next Thursday and depending on my work schedule, we might be able to spend an evening sitting atop her grassy roof watching.

After our conversation, while I was checking email, the phone rang again. This time it was one of my oldest friends, not by age, but by longevity of the relationship: We were college roommates our first year away from home. We have tramped through Europe together and camped across the country to South Dakota to climb Harney Peak and pray where Black Elk had prayed. We have supported one another through deaths of our mothers and of a friend.

Rita is not known for keeping in touch, but that doesn’t seem to matter. When we do see one another, talk over the phone, or write a letter (It has happened) the connection is deep and true. We caught up on life’s blessings and challenges and ended the conversation only because I had another call, from one of my daughters.

As I type, thunder rumbles and rain pelts the windows, but that is nothing compared to the deluge of love and warmth that has been falling on me all evening and late into this night.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

IMAGE: Artist Unknown
Last night I received a call from a good friend whose son suffers from chronic depression. He was not taking his medications and was sinking into a darker place than the one he usually inhabits.

After the call, I sat and let tears run down my cheeks. Another friend of mine has spent much of her income on medications and counseling, often doing without when disabilitly payments didn’t cover the costs. Why are some of us afflicted with a disease that makes the moment by moment choice of life so conscious and excruciating? Life dishes out enough pain and suffering to challenge all of us. Why do some people have to face its difficulties already burdened? It’s the Job question, I guess. Nothing new, but suffering is not rendered easier by its constancy throughout human history.

I have a friend who is writing his fourth volume of poetry. This one is based on Job, and I emailed the poet this morning requesting a preview: “I could use a few of your Job poems. Can you send some along?”

I hope he does. In the meantime, I gathered myself up and drove to my parish for morning Mass. Eucharist strengthens me when the only prayer I can utter is “help!”

The first reading was from Jeremiah and could sound offensive if one didn’t know, as the celebrant reminded us, that the people of the Old Testament attributed life’s happenings to God’s actions. Jeremiah was no different: If Israel was suffering under foreign powers, it was because God was punishing them for their sins. God made all these terrible things happen.

As I listened to the reading proclaimed I thought: I came to Mass for this? To hear that we deserve what ever suffering we experience and that God is its source? Not exactly uplifting. Of course, God was not the source of the pain and the following verses offered hope: God offers the hope of coming close, of being held and healed.

The second reading had Peter doing fine walking on water until he lost focus on God and began thinking of the absurdity of what he was doing: People don’t walk on water. Impossible. Then he sank.

After spending time in prayer, Jesus had come to his disciples huddled on a floundering boat in the middle of a storm. He had called to Peter and impulsive as he was, Peter jumped out of the boat and started walking.

Following that first impulse to trust God With Us is not easy for me to do. Like Peter, I start thinking and begin to sink.

Holy One who is always with us, help my friend trust in you to love her son through his lifetime struggle. Help me trust in your love, too, so I can offer hope to my friend and to those who struggle with depression. You cry with us. You invite us to come close. You promise to be with us and to provide life and healing.

Help me to stop thinking so much and to trust more.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

Today the Catholic Times published a cover article: Catholic Blogs:Sharing the Gospel in the Digital Age by Tim Puet. When Tim interviewed me for the article, he saved this question for last: If Jesus were alive today, would he be a blogger? If so, what would he blog about?

I did not hesitate to answer “Yes.” I think Jesus would take advantage of opportunities offered by modern technology to reach a broad audience with his message. As I read the CT article, I was intrigued by fellow blogger Patrick Madrid’s comment that, in his opinion, Jesus would not blog as he preferred face to face communitcation.

A columnist in this week’s CT,Christina Capecchi, wrote about her choice not to Tweet during her trip to the Holy Land. “In order to tune in, I must log off,” she wrote.

Then, as if I did not have enough food for thought, the fortune cookie I broke open after dinner contained the admonition “Be Present to the Moment,” my mantra.

So, would I change my answer to Mr. Puet’s question? No, I would not. However, I am sure that if Jesus were alive today, he would be in control of his use of modern communication technologies, not be controlled by them, something many of us have yet to learn.

Because we are able to Tweet our thoughts and activities every few minutes, giving our followers a blow by blow description of our day, does not mean that we should. Because we are able to maintain contact with hundreds of acquaintances and friends through social networking like Face Book, does not mean we are obligated to do so.

Jesus did relish personal contact He was an observer of life, an appreciator of creation, a lover of conversation and story, but his priority was his relationship with the One who sent him. Jesus’ passion was giving his life to spreading the Kingdom, and in order to do that, he balanced his need for time alone in prayer with interaction with others. Often, need intruded on his desires and Jesus gave up his plans to retreat, climbing hills to speak to huge crowds or healing the sick who gathered at his door. On the other hand At times he probably frustrated his friends when he chose quiet prayer to hanging out with them. Jesus made choices. We do, too.

Jesus, the Divine incarnate, carried his love of God and commitment to revealing the Kingdom among us into the marketplace of life. He was a mystic in the marketplace, as I mentioned in other blogs. He used what he could to bring his message to every one, rich or poor, literate or non-literate. We are called to follow his example.

Like Jesus, we require time for prayer to deepen our relationship with God so we can reach out to others in the many ways available to us today. Responsible use of media and technologies (and that includes cell phones, email, television, and computer games as well as blogs) is a challenge, but the choice is ours. Use of digital communication does not preclude other, face to face conversations; sometimes it facilitates them.

IMAGE: Saint Brigid

Last month I presented a reflection on being “Mystics in the Marketplace” to a group of Catholic business people and their spouses. Today is the feast of Saint Brigid of Sweden, a woman who could be called a patron saint of mystics involved in the world. Years ago, my daughter took the name Brigid at Confirmation, but I had not thought of the saint for years. Reading about her reminded me of the many reasons Kathryn had for choosing this woman as one to inspire her.

At the age of thirteen Brigid married a nobleman, Ulf, who shared both her noble background and her religious commitment. Together they raised four boys and four boys. Brigid spent some of her adult life as a lady-in-waiting for the new queen of Sweden but was also known for her compassionate care of the poor and her prayer. She and Ulf made the famous pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela but on their journey Ulf became ill and died shortly after their return.

After Ulf’s death, Brigid devoted herself to religious life and founded an order for both men and women, the Brigittines or Order of the Holy Savior. Brigid did not remain in Sweden long enough to see the monastery completed but followed her call to Rome where she became a vocal proponent of Church reform.

She also became involved in negotiations for an end to the French and English war and challenged the moral laxity of the age. Her compassion and kindness to the common people of Rome made her a beloved figure.

The example of St. Brigid can speak to our age. Her life of prayer did not keep her from involvement in issues of the day. Quite the opposite. It was a source of strength and inspiration for her activity, enabling her to persevere in the face of resistance. She called for reform in the Church and in a society that had become self-indulgent.

Over the past one hundred days, we have witnessed an environmental tragedy that is emblematic of our lifestyle’s disproportionate use of the world’s oil supply. We are a society driven by consumerism that is in many ways self-indulgent. Brigid’s life challenges us to bring our faith with us into the marketplace of everyday life. She was not timid in speaking truth to power.

Interestingly, when Brigid founded her order she insisted on simplicity of life and even of architecture, but put no limit on the number of books members could own or read. She was a woman who valued education and sharing thoughts and ideas.

As evidenced in the effort to contain the BP Gulf oil spill, solutions to problems increasingly require input from people of various sectors including academia, business, and blue-collar workers.

Brigid was a woman, a wife, a mother, a leader, a reformer, and a person of deep prayer. We may be tempted to think one or two of these vocations rule out the others, but St. Brigid shows that to be wrong-headed. We must be people of deep prayer, and we must be deeply involved in the world.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

PHOTO:Mary van Balen
“…Others fell on rich soil and produced their crop, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty…”

Today’s gospel reading is the familiar story of the sower taken from MT 13. Most often, when I encounter it, I think of the seed as God’s Word and of myself as the soil. Am I inhospitable ground? Shallow? Distracted? Of course, I want to be rich soil where God’s word can take root and bear fruit not only for me but also for the Kingdom. Today, however, I had a different take.

Perhaps using half of a giant zucchini from my sister-in-law’s garden this morning suggested the new angle. As I scooped out seeds and pulp and shredded the rest for zucchini bread, I pictured Laurie’s garden space. She has cultivated it for years and the earth is loamy and dark, a fertile place for anything to grow. I imagined being in such a place myself. The Collegeville Institute provided such a place for me. I thought of the reading and myself as the seed in need of a nurturing place unobstructed by hard ground, bedrock, or rampant weeds where my shell would soften and my roots sink deep and spread wide, providing sustenance and anchor for the self that grows above ground, exposed to storms and drought as well as gentle rain and needed sunlight.

If I am the seed, what is the soil? Only God provides such a place for us: God’s own self, always available, always safe, rich, and life giving. A month ago I wrote a blog about thirty minutes of quiet time with God. Such prayer is a way to sink one’s roots into God’s Abundance. Remembering throughout the day that we are surrounded and are sustained by God helps us draw nourishment from her Abundance.

Thinking of myself as the seed and the plant also reminds me of the grace of stability. I can’t physically remain in one place all day, but my spirit can remained anchored in the God’s Life, and perhaps like summer zucchini plants, yield fruit a hundredfold!
© 2010 Mary van Balen

PAINTING: Wheat Field in Rain by Vincent van Gogh Vincent van Gogh Gallery
This Sabbath was meant to be kept,” the rain insisted last night as I sat in a pizzeria waiting for my dinner to arrive. It had been a pleasant day. After morning Mass, I ate a leisurely breakfast at Panera’s and read a friend’s essays written while he attended a writing workshop. They were good, ranging from a deepening relationship with his tattoo artist son who needed help translating “get out of my face” into Latin for a client to God’s maddening habit of going quiet.

I changed tables at the invitation of a friend who had come in for a quick lunch and finished my iced tea with her and her companion. Returning home, I wrote a blog entry and began cleaning my office, something I had wanted to do for weeks. On Friday I will have a visit from the Catholic Time’s editor and photographer. The paper is planning an article on local bloggers, and my workspace is not ready for public display.

Molly called from Minnesota. We talked about being a new mom (Her daughter is eleven months old) and marveled at how women have managed to raise children, cook dinners, and keep a house sort of clean for generations.

“It’s a marvel,” my busy friend said.

“Yes, and one women get little credit for doing,” I added, knowing that many people see a paycheck as the only bona fide proof of work that appreciably contributes to sustaining a household.

After the call I changed clothes to attend a farewell party for a young woman from work soon to embark on the adventure of attending law school in California. I was looking forward to sharing pizza and conversation about topics other than bra sizes and clearance prices.

Thunder and lightening threatened, but I slid an umbrella into my purse and drove off. First stop: the grocery to cash a check. I had driven only three blocks up the street when rain began pelting down as it had earlier in the day: in heavy sheets blown sideways. I crawled to the grocery, sat in my car for a few minutes and decided to make a dash for it hoping the storm would exhaust itself while I was inside.

Despite partially opening the umbrella in the car, I was soaked the moment I stepped out. My sandaled feet landed in a puddle deep enough for small fish, and rain drenched my pant legs from the knee down.

I sprinted thirty feet to the door only to find the store lights flickering off and on. A woman, hesitant to walk through the automatic door that stopped halfway between closed and open, looked at me with big eyes that asked, “Should I do it?”

“Just be quick,” I advised, not wanting to be caught in its path if the door sprung to life again in the closing rather than opening mode.

Inside, a manager was hurrying from cashier to cashier. “Does the belt run? Any power to the registers?” No. None. The store closed, its entrance lined with people reporting their situation on cell phones. I ran to the car, khaki pants sticking to my legs and brown leather on my sandals a wet black.

Driving out of the parking lot, I barely missed hitting a woman who suddenly emerged from a curtain of water. A huge puddle gathered where the parking lot met the street. I drove through it since the small voice from the past reminding me not to drive a car through such deep water had nothing to say about what to do instead.

The road had turned into a river flowing between cement banks. Cars hugged the center lanes but sprouted watery wings when they couldn’t avoid deeper places. I drove ten blocks to the pizzeria, sloshed inside, peeled off my jacket, and ordered a small pizza and soda.

And there I was on a Sabbath evening with nothing special to do and no place to go but home.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

PHOTO:Mary van Balen
“BROTHER, SISTER, LET ME SERVE YOU; LET ME BE AS CHRIST TO YOU; PRAY THAT I MAY HAVE THE GRACE TO LET YOU BE MY SERVANT, TOO.”

QUOTES: ‘The Servant Song’by Richard Gillard, 1977 Text and Music copyright ©1977 Scripture in Song (Admin. by Maranatha! Music) Hear song sung by composer

My heart moved within me as I sung this song at Mass today. Truly, I have received grace to accept to gift of Christ given to me through many others in my life and especially over the past months.

“WE ARE PILGRIMS ON A JOURNEY, WE ARE FAMILY ON THE ROAD; WE ARE HERE TO HELP EACH OTHER WALK THE MILE AND BEAR THE LOAD.”

The mile we walk and the load we carry changes as time flows by. The friends who walk with us at one moment are not always the same ones who companion us later, but their gift of support remains. We are strong support for others during some stages of life, and at different stages we need support in ways that surprise us.

“I WILL HOLD THE CHRIST-LIGHT FOR YOU IN THE NIGHT TIME OF YOUR FEAR; I WILL HOLD MY HAND OUT TO YOU, SPEAK THE PEACE YOU LONG TO HEAR.”

Some people hold the Christ Light in a public way, like civil rights activists Robert and Jeannie Graetz. Others do so in a quiet way. My spiritual director was such a light for me recently when I needed humility to accept myself as I am, not as I wish I were, and to trust that God loves my wounded self and not some image of holiness that I strive for. Accepting one’s brokenness is a grace, not an excuse to remain static, but the peace of accepting where one is on the journey. Loving the wounded self is a step forward.

I WILL WEEP WHEN YOU ARE WEEPING; WHEN YOU LAUGH I’LL LAUGH WITH YOU. I WILL SHARE YOUR JOY AND SORROW TIL WE SEE THIS JOURNEY THROUGH.”

An old friend and I sat on a pew after church and caught up. Her faith and affection were sweet as the Eucharist to my soul.

A stranger surprised me with blessings and empathy when I walked with her into a trashed fitting room at the department store where I work. “I used to work in retail, too, so I understand. This will be your job tonight, putting all this stuff back.” I nodded. “This is my first expereince in retail. I have been a educator and author.”

“There are many ways to serve,” she said as we left the mess behind us. “Blessings on your writing.”

I give thanks for Grace from unexpected places as well as from family and friends, and pray that like them, I may be as Christ to others as my journey continues.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

Painting: The Good Samaritan by Asian Artist He Qi
“Good energy,” as my sister-in-law would say, has a life of its own, and last night it kept nine members of the spirituality group laughing and talking even after we had left the dinner table. Having moved into the living room, we presented a challenge to Noreen, the one who was charged with leading the unruly bunch in prayer and reflection.

I looked around the room and silently gave thanks for each person. We have been gathering once a month for seven years, committed to companioning one another as we move through life’s joys and sorrows. Years ago we christened our gathering place “Sabbath House” because it provided a safe place of rest, renewal, and prayer, things I crave these days as I scrabble through a particularly thorny patch.

Noreen had copied the gospel from her devotional magazine “Living With Christ.” Fr. George Smiga’s reflection on Last Sunday’s gospel of the Good Samaritan moved her, and she thought it would be meaningful to us as well. We began with an oral reading of parable.

“How many of us can identify with the priest in the story, walking sway from a difficult situation?” she asked. Everyone’s hand went up. “What about the Levite…the Samaritan?” The response was the same.

She looked down at the magazine, but I didn’t want her to continue, not yet.

“What about the man who was beaten?” I asked. “I identify with the man who was robbed.” As I said, this is a thorny patch.

That was where she was taking us. She read from the article and asked us to consider sharing some time, past or present, when we experienced God’s rescuing grace from an unexpected person or event, like the man in the story saved not by church leaders or those he assumed would help, but rather by a member of an outcast group he hated.

Stories flowed out of our hurts and times that challenged our faith and broadened our vision of who or what could bear God’s grace to us. Karl Rahner says all grace is mediated, coming to us through the world, but sometimes WHERE it comes from is surprising enough that we miss it all together.

As I drove home after the meeting, the image of lying in a ditch lingered; lying in a ditch, as Fr. Smiga had written, waiting for God’s rescuing grace. I am in a ditch much of the time, and even though someone or something eventually helps me out, I roll back in, or as was the case with the man in the parable, life beats me up, robs me, and throws me back down. One would think that after many years of being rescued, I would trust God’s Grace no matter who or what delivers it, but I don’t always. Instead I become angry at life’s unfairness, angry with the ones who “beat me up,” and angry with God who seems to stand by in silence. I become a dishrag that doesn’t want to get up off the couch or out of bed in the morning.

I also miss the lesson to be learned while I am laying there, eloquently voiced by a man suffering with aids who was offering a bit of Grace to a young man dying of the disease: On the other side of anger and suffering I will find peace and a more compassionate heart better able to reach out and offer God’s grace to another who is waiting in a ditch.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen
The wedding stirred my emotional pot causing a variety of feelings to rise to the surface. Predictably, joy came first and remained dominant; how could it not in the face of the couples’ glorious happiness and love for each other? It spilled out of their eyes and faces, out of their gently touching hands, out of their smiles, and the rest of us, most seasoned veterans of the sacrament, soaked it up.

Hope filled my heart as well as I sat with the guests in rows of white folding chairs set up in the sun. The thought that the bride and groom are a good match pulled sadness along and “What ifs” threatened to ruin the moment. With practice I am becoming more adept dismissing those spoilers, and that is what I did.
Blessings bestowed by the bride and groom’s fathers were filled with words like “commitment” and “faithfulness,” and “long tradition” that drove straight into my heart, reminding me that my marriage was in the process of being dissolved. Not that we hadn’t been faithful. We had. Or committed. We had been that, too.

“We are being faithful,” I told myself, “faithful to who we are and where God is calling us now.” It is not easy, being honest with one’s self and with God. It can seem like lack of commitment to those looking on, but many who walk this path know differently.

I let go the grieving and sorrow and immersed myself in Love instead: Love who filled that happy space tucked into a maze of cornfields. Love shared through family and friends, old and new; Love who brought the young couple together and will walk with them through their lives; Love who is the main guest at celebrations like this, and who renews the spirits of all who allow themselves the Grace of being present to the moment.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

ALL PHOTOS: Mary van Balen
Shortly after an interview with a journalist from The Catholic Times about blogging, I fought the urge to call him back with another comment about the advantages to blogging: It took me out for a walk in a summer rain.

I used to walk in the rain often. Whether the drops were heavy, soaking through my thick hair to drip down my face or were more like a mist settling on the surface of my mane like shining drops caught in a spider’s web, I relished the openness to what nature had to offer.

This morning I used an umbrella not to protect me, but my camera. The original plan was to take a few photos to use in my blogs, but after just a few minutes I was splashing through deep puddles that filled the alley behind the house, much as I had done as a child.

A few dogs and neighbors backing out of their garages took note of my presence; otherwise, I was alone in a world transformed into a showplace of flowers, weeds, and water.

“Why don’t I do this more often?” I asked myself as I looked down at my Teva-ed feet covered in a muddy stream flowing from the center of the alley into the street. No wonder kids like to stomp into every inch of standing water they can find: The activity is delightful not to mention a relief after days of near 100˚ temperatures.

I took photos of sweet peas shooting above chain link fencing that gave it support and remembered splitting open pods and popping round, green seeds into my mouth. This summer is too young for good picking, but perhaps I will return to see if they still taste as sweet as they did to my ten-year-old self.

Hollyhocks reminded me of dolls my sisters and I made from upside-down blooms that became billowing skirts swirling beneath clothespin heads and pipe cleaner arms.

Like a giant mirror, the watery alley reflected cloudy skies back to the heavens. I wondered if the disturbance of ripples caused by my sploshing along was similar to atmospheric disturbances encountered by light traveling to earth from our sun and its sister stars, or by waves we cannot see.

I thought about Madeleine L’Engle’s wrinkles in time that enabled her young heroes to travel to distant places in the universe. Then I quit thinking, content to enjoy the present moment and the gifts it was handing to me. Plenty of time to reflect later.
© 2010 Mary van Balen