I always liked walking into an elementary school building an hour or so before classes began, when quiet covered every classroom and office, inviting unhurried reflection as well as preparation for the day. Occasionally I saw a janitor pushing a wide mop down the old wooden hallways and making them shine. Now that I work at a large department store, I find similar calm when I arrive before its doors open for business. I also see the people who work behind the scenes to make most American department stores shine.

On Mother’s Day, I walked in the employee entrance and made my way downstairs to clock in at the register. I passed a number of workers, women mostly, wearing full aprons, pushing mops and buckets down wide aisles that reflected the dim lights of the early morning store.

“Good morning. This place always shines in the morning. Thank you,” I said to each as I passed by in a simple attempt to reverence their work, their personhood.

They nodded acknowledgment. Some smiled. Some responded with a tired “Good morning.” Some don’t speak much English. I opened one of the registers at my station for the first time, counting and recounting coins and bills to make sure I entered the correct numbers. Two more registers to go before the store doors opened to customers.

“Good morning!” came over the speakers. “The morning meeting will be at the fine jewelry counter today…” I stood at the meeting, thinking of the remaining registers I had to open and wondering if I could do it before opening. Maybe I didn’t have to. I wasn’t sure. A smiling associate interrupted my thoughts as she handed me a corsages; there was one for each mother working that day.

“Happy Mother’s Day,” she said. The carnation and greenery looked cheery perched above my nametag. I left the meeting a bit early to finish opening. My thoughts were with the women who had been cleaning the store. I wondered how early they arrived to do their jobs. I wondered how many were mothers. I wished I had carnations for them.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

Once again, I spent part of my day substitute teaching; this time it was language arts. The students were quiet as they took a long vocabulary test and then opened “With Every Drop of Blood,” a Civil War novel by James and Christopher Collier, reading until the period ended. I took advantage of the time and read the novel myself. It tells the story of an unlikely friendship between a Southern boy, Johnny, and one of his captors, a Black Union soldier named Cush Turner. As the boys become friends, they realize the erroneousness of many stories and stereotypes about Blacks and Southerners they had learned growing up.

At one point, after Cush ‘s fierce desire to learn to read and his reverence for Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg address surprised Johnny, he began to rethink his assumption that Black slaves were inherently inferior to their white masters, and realized that he had never considered anything from the point of view of the slave. Through conversation with Cush, Johnny was able to do that, and what he learned surprised him. Johnny was thoughtful and honest with himself and the experience changed him.

The Southern born fourteen-year-old’s openness to seeing the world through someone else’s eyes makes me aware of the growing lack of such openness today. Particularly, some current events come to mind: The arrest of Faisal Shahzad brings terrorism again to headlines and news programs. How to understand what motivates such a person? How do we perceive Muslims in general after an attempted terrorist attack? How good are we at looking at ourselves through the eyes of others?

The immigration bill in Arizona is another red flag signaling the need for each side to view the concerns of the other with a biblical social justice perspective so the problems of immigration can be addressed humanely.

Other issues point to continued polarization within this country. One of the most surprising was the statement made to Neil Cavuto of Fox News by former FEMA director, Michael Brown: that the oil spill was “exactly what they (the Obama administration) want, because now he can pander to the environmentalists and say, ‘I’m going to shut it down because it’s too dangerous.’ While Mexico and China and everybody else drills in the Gulf, we’re going to get shut down.”

Mr. Brown is upset that President Obama ordered new drills to be halted until the cause of the spill and the possibility that modifications in the technology used might prevent future spills. This seems reasonable to me. I am quick to write off opinions such as Mr. Brown’s as inflammatory and purposely divisive. What might I learn looking at the situation through his eyes? I don’t know.

I don’t imagine many people on either end of the political spectrum in the US will be inclined to consider the other’s viewpoint. As Mr. Obama pointed out last weekend in his address to University of Michigan’s graduating class, civility is missing in public debate. The atmosphere is toxic (My words, not his), poisoning attempts at compromise.

Issues of race, states’ rights, and economics sat at the heart of the civil war. What sits at the heart of our present predicament of animosity and distrust? Is if fear? Fear that we will need to change? That the “other” will take these things from us? Fear of the unknown “other?” Perhaps, like Johnny and Cush, being thrown into life-threatening circumstances that demands cooperation for survival, will be the only way we will develop openness and transcend our fear and suspicion.
© Mary van Balen 2010

PHOTO: Bead Creative
The call came early in the morning: A seventh grade history teacher was sick; would I like to sub?” Yes. As I prepared for the day, I smiled at the timing. For months I had hoped for calls to substitute, but none came. Then, after my first full day of working as a large department store associate, when I was looking forward to a hot bath and putting organization back into my office, I received the call.

Life has always been like that evidenced by expressions like “Feast or famine,” and “When it rains, it pours.” The mess of my office would have to wait.

After assisting students as they researched the Catholic Church in Medieval times (a particularly embarrassing stretch in its long history), I spent the evening with my father. We ate dinner together and then meandered past robins and sparrows finding meals themselves and on to a small pond where we watched a goose turn her five eggs and jets overhead scratching the sky with silvery contrails. Back in dad’s bedroom, I received the second call: The history teacher was still sick. Could I come in tomorrow? Yes.

Friday morning I dressed, hunted a CD of Hildegard von Bingen’s music in my messy room and tucked a small silver labyrinth into my purse to share with the students. I made an ATM withdrawal, stopped at the grocery store to pick up new stockings and then headed to Cup O’ Joe, my favorite away from home office. Absentmindedly eating quiche lorraine, I wrote my column and emailed it to my editor.

Off to teach. Back to the grocery for savory rotisserie chicken, home to eat a bit of it then off to the department store for a late shift. I am piecing together my life right now, finding ways to make ends meet. Sometimes I am a teacher, at others a writer, and then a saleswoman. It is not easy to keep a collected spirit let alone an organized office.

A pieced together life requires trust and openness to God’s presence in all of it and within my heart. Somewhere, in the midst of all the activity is Love, present and sustaining. Somewhere, in paths that cross and veer off in unexpected directions is opportunity. It is all Life. In faithfully embracing it, someday, somewhere, I will see not only the pieces, but also the pattern and wholeness they make.

PHOTO: Disney
Last night a couple of friends and I spent the evening at the local art theater watching Disney’s new Earth Day offering: Oceans.
That it was short on storyline did not present a problem since I went for the images; the movie does not disappoint. I am an ocean soul and treasure every moment I can muster in the waves or walking the beach. I left the movie theater with a more profound respect for the complexity and wonder of the world under water.

The images were breathtaking: an octopus that looks like a silk scarf patterned with gold and brown undulating through its blue world, a leafy sea dragon that is almost indistinguishable from the plants it eats, humpback whales hanging upside down to sleep. The list is endless.

Some creatures travel thousands of miles every year while others that stay put like the leafy sea dragon that cannot survive if moved to a different depth or location.
A “globe” of hundreds if not thousands of fish that rotates as it moves slowly forward is a perfect metaphor for humanity’s need to work together for the common good and survival of all. An occasional shot of a human photographer alongside his or her subject put our size and importance to the planet in perspective. We are small and vulnerable in this environment, yet we hold power of its health and survival. I marveld at the people and technology that made this look into the oceans possible.

Sitting in the old, red velvet covered seats was a holy moment that moved me to consider how my lifestyle choice affect not only our oceans, but the earth and moved my heart to a prayer of praise and thanksgiving for the wonder of the Creator who in one way or another, set this all in motion.

Spring rains pour down from the night sky soaking the earth and pounding against the roof making a familiar sound. Rainy nights often send me to a good book and a cup of tea, content to spend time quietly, but tonight rain sounds sink into my heart and remind me that I am alone with my book, computer, and thoughts. My stomach aches and my heart is empty as I finish another game of FreeCell.

I have not been alone all day. In the late morning I drove to my new part time job only to discover that the orientation had been canceled. I used some of the unexpected free time to find a pair of dressy black slacks, fifty-percent off. After a year of writing a book on my own schedule and then almost another year looking for work and moving, my wardrobe is tired and faded, not suitable for work.

Around two-thirty I headed home. As I approached the exit near my daughter’s house, I called and offered to pick her up and treat her to a late lunch, thinking we could buy cheap food, return to her place, and visit for a while.She took me up on the offer, but as I paid for the food her cell phone rang. She was going to a friend’s house to help him fix a bike and he wanted to know if she would like him to pick up some food for her.

“No thanks. Actually I just got a hamburger and fries. I am good. See you soon.” Turning to me she said, “Maybe you could just drop me off at Chris’s house.”

I did, then drove home and nuked some broccoli and cauliflower in an attempt to redeem myself after descending into the pit of fast food. I washed a load of light clothes and answered a few emails while waiting for the washing cycle to end so I could bounce the clothes in the dryer and hang them up. That finished, I grabbed a postcard of a small museum and some artifacts my archaeologist daughter had sent to her Grandpa and a couple of magazines that had arrived in today’s mail and set off to visit him at the nursing home.

The new facility is pleasant and the staff people I have met are all cheerful and kind, but he has been there for just two weeks and it still feels odd to think of it as his home. I arrived a couple of hours before dinner and Dad had fallen asleep in his recliner watching a show on the History Channel about the role heavy metals have played in human history.

We had a pleasant dinner and I chatted with other residents, aides, and nurses.

“A female goose is sitting on five eggs near the pond by the apartments,” I told Joanne as she settled into a chair near the table where dad and I sat. She smiled.

“Whenever new life comes into the world, it is good,” she said and then asked again if this was dad’s first day and how he liked the place. Joanne is sweet but has no short-term memory.

Dinner takes a long time. After an hour or so Dad was ready to return to his room and watch a John Wayne movie. He nodded off and on and when the aides came to dress him for bed, I kissed him goodnight and drove home. The rain started after I got into bed.

A friend called while I was working on a crossword puzzle. She just wanted to talk. Lonely souls too tired to go out but wanting some company. Sometimes I forget what Joanne remembers despite her forgetfulness: Life is good. It doesn’t always feel that way. When its purpose is difficult to discern and I am aware of only struggle and disappointment, life seems long and spring rain sounds lonely.

One of the emails I checked today expressed a friend’s concern and wisdom: “My heart goes out to you – one of the best definitions of prayer I have ever heard. As for energy: if energy is spirit, your essential be-ing (from which your do-ings flow), your God-given identity as the beloved, the place where your branch connects to the true Vine — may you find that sacred place and there find refreshment and renewal.”

That “sacred place” isn’t in computer game or books. It is in the quiet place within, the emptiness, where, if I am brave enough to go, I meet the Holy One and know that I am not alone. I am beloved.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

PHOTO:MARY VAN BALEN – Saint John’s Arboretum
At last. A bishop admitted that he did not report sexual abuse of children by priests and did not challenge the accepted Church practice of keeping such horrendous behavior within the institutional “walls.” Bishop James Moriarty of Kildare is not the first to resign over the abuse scandal in Ireland, but his candor and acceptance of personal culpability are refreshing, if late. He is a truthteller.

The Vatican can continue to berate the media for attacking the Pope and trying to bring down the Church, but pressure from the secular press is forcing the issue and compelling the Vatican to begin to deal with the issue.

Pope Benedict can continue to share his deep pain, praying and weeping with survivors and promising “church action,” but that is not all that is needed. We, the faithful, need more bishops to publicly acknowledge their complicity in the crimes and by implication, a longstanding accepted Church policy of cover-up and shifting offending priests around unsuspecting parishes.
We need the Vatican to admit to this institutional sin.

For almost a decade, Catholics have heard popes and bishops and even some priests, decry the actions of a small percentage of ordained clergy. We have heard promises and seen actions aimed at swifter response to reports of abuse and harsher penalties for priests so accused. However, what has been missing in these messages, what is still missing, is public acceptance by the hierarchy of their collusion in the crimes, honest repentance, petition for forgiveness, and acceptance of disciplinary action. Like Bishop Moriarty.

Pope John Paul II’s appointment of Cardinal Law to the Basilica of Mary Major in Rome was a slap in the face to those victims Moriarty called courageous and to the rest of the faithful appalled by decades of cover-up. Pope Benedict needs to go beyond chastising priest offenders and implementing transparency in dealing with abuse cases. He needs to deal with the Church’s history of cover-up and hierarchy who participated in it, demanding honesty and repentance and administering appropriate consequences.

In her AP article, Nicole Winfield quoted Moriarty saying that he stepped down “because he realized that ‘renewal must begin with accepting responsibility for the past.’” She also writes “…he hoped his gesture would help the church renew itself and reform.”

Responsibility. Repentance. Forgiveness. Simple Christian concepts preached to all, especially this past Holy Week. I pray that the pope and bishops around the world will head Bishop Moriarty’s example and drop the line we have been hearing for years (reiterated by Archbishop of Westminster Vincent Nichols as he apologized for clerical abuse and the actions of priests), that casts stones at the offending priests and move to the admission that the hierarchy has no right to cast stones since many in its ranks share the guilt.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

PHOTO: MARY VAN BALEN
Sparkling drops of water dripped from broccoli flowerets and lettuce leaves. Radish red and carrot orange were bright and the eggplant’s smooth, purple flesh looked like satin. I stood in front of the vegetable case, a pilgrim to a fresh food shrine. Slowly, I made choices and piled the cart with colorful, fragrant produce that would soon grace my dinner plate.

I am returning to basics that have been missing from my life for a while, and in addition to cooking fresh foods, I am setting the alarm early enough to insure time for quiet prayer before the day gets rolling.

Cooking fresh provides the opportunity to appreciate the beauty and variety of creation while reverencing life and the One who set it in motion. I remember once sitting in the student union while an undergraduate student, raising an apple to my lips, stopping before a first bite.Sun streaming in through the large wall of windows poured afternoon light over the fruit highlighting its green and yellow flecks. I lowered the apple and look closely.

“How often I overlook simple beauty of ordinary things,” I thought, opened my journal, and sketched the apple before tasting its juicy flesh.

The same is true today. I move too fast to savor simple pleasures that feed the body and nurture the soul. Not tonight. This morning I made marinara sauce starting with olive oil, butter, fresh garlic and onions then added tomatoes, parsley, and fresh basil as savory aromas filled the house. Tonight I will dip eggplant slices into egg and bread crumbs, fry them quickly, and serve with pasta, fresh mozzarella, and whole grain bread. I can’t wait. It is a sacrament. No wonder Jesus chose the experience of eating with his friends to offer his presence to us in a special way. Eating is already holy.

Quiet time in the morning reminds me of these types of connections with the Holy One, especially that divine presence, or “imago Dei,” within. Returning to the practice after months of neglect requires discipline. First comes acknowledging then letting go the constant stream of thoughts that run through my head. Entering into quiet is a choice.

What happens when I finally succeed (perhaps for a few minutes of the 30-40 minute time)? Nothing. Often nothing. Not to be discouraged, I remember words of Julian of Norwich “Pray inwardly even if you do not enjoy it. It does good, though you feel nothing. Yes, even though you think you are doing nothing.”

I take heart knowing the struggle with quiet prayer is not a new or unusual reality. Julian was a fourteenth century English nun and anchoress. She didn’t have TV, fast food, or the Internet to distract, but she struggled with quiet prayer, just the same. We all do. What centuries and millions of people tell us, though, is the effort bears fruit.

I will be in good company when I sit down to a healthful dinner tonight. If I have friends to share it with me, they will bring their own grace to the evening. If not, I will be nourished by both food and quiet with the Holy One who is always there.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

PHOTO: SAINT JOHN’S ABBEY
Life’s twists have turned me into a vagabond, and my Benedictine spirit is rebelling. A large canvass tote packed with a change of clothes, calcium pills, and a notebook sits at my bedside, ready to go. My purse holds a toothbrush and phone charger as well as more standard fare. I have deodorant and a Ziploc of herb teas on the nightstand at a friend’s house and have to look at my planner to remember where I need to be the following night.

This morning, I walked into the kitchen of my father’s home, switched on the electric teakettle, and felt an overwhelming need to cook. I wanted to fill the refrigerator with foods like eggplant, sugar-snap peas, and chicken. I wanted to stay put instead of shuttling between the house I am preparing to sell, a friend’s where I crash after I’ve packed a day’s worth of boxes, and the big home where I grew up. I carried a mug of tea into the upstairs bathroom where I sank into a tub of hot water and read a few pages of Anne Lamott before realizing that what woke me at 6am was the same thing that had dogged me for a couple of weeks: My monastic soul longed to stay put. I needed to cook, to pray, and to be faithful to the writerly life. Why didn’t I?

Slogging through a dissolution and filling out close to one hundred job applications has become a convenient excuse. My doctor hinted at the same thing last week when I warned her that lab work would reveal unacceptable cholesterol levels since my eating habits have deteriorated.

“That’s life, Mary. There will always be stresses,” she said as she walked out the examining room door.

“She’s right, darn it,” I thought as I put on my clothes and walked to the lab across the hall where I sat watching blood that would reveal the pizza’s and Easter candy I had consumed fill a small glass vial.

This is a particularly rough patch of life, no doubt, filled with challenges that overwhelm even though I know they will not last forever. Eventually my husband and I will legally be going our separate ways, the house will be sold, and I will not be unemployed. Still, I need to meet these immediate challenges just as I have overcome others in the past: from a place of strength and centeredness. For me that means prayer, writing, and staying in one place long enough to cook healthy food.

One afternoon a year ago, when a group of writers and scholars had gathered for our weekly brown bag lunch at Saint John’s in Collegeville, a wise Benedictine monk dropped a pearl of wisdom: You don’t have to do a lot to get a lot done.

At eighty-eight, he still writes award winning poetry and works with nearby immigrant populations. He jokes that he’d rather miss prayer than a party, but those who know him, know better. His life is lived from the strength of prayer and community, and what needs done is accomplished not because he crams everything in, but rather because he doesn’t. He keeps in touch with the God he trusts and rests when he “runs out of gas.”

I will buy some eggplant and chicken today, spend quiet time in the Presence, and wear the St. Benedict medal that reminds me to put balance in my day. I may not do a lot, but I hope to get a lot done.
© 2010 Mary van Balen

PHOTO: MARY VAN BALEN
Last evening after dinner I decided to see a movie at the old local art theater. As I waited for lights to dim, I pulled a small black notebook out of my purse and began writing starting with the day’s date and time in the top right corner as I always do: “April 12, 2010, waiting for “The Ghost Writer.” I jotted down a few thoughts and suddenly remembered a conversation with a friend I had had the day before. She was just beginning to post remarks on twitter.

“I opened my account, posted one remark and minutes later I had a follower,” she said.

“A ‘follower?’ What’s a ‘follower?’”

“It’s someone who reads your Tweets, you know, someone who follows what you are doing.”

“I don’t do anything interesting enough for anyone else to care,” volunteered our mutual friend who was driving us all to a play.

The three of us joked and laughed about celebrities who kept their ‘followers’ apprised of minute details of their lives. Meanwhile, my friend was busy Twittering, “Going to play. Community Theater.”

“There. I can tell them if it is good or not. Maybe someone else will want to come.”

We arrived at the theater and that was the end of our conversation about Twittering. I don’t know if my friend gave a report to her ‘followers’ after the last curtain fell, and I didn’t think about social networking again until a couple of days later when I began writing in my notebook at the movie theater. I looked at what I was scribbling on the page: Waiting for “The Ghost Writer. Dad seems to be doing well- stayed till midnight – he was sleeping soundly. Check out Mercury in night sky….

Suddenly I smiled. My short comments could just as well have been keyed into a Twitter account. The difference was my notebook remains private. I might go back and reread an entry; it might be a seed for a column or article or find its way into a book. But until it did, no other eyes would see it. On Twitter, who knows, I might have a following!

I have no desire to send a constant string of notes about what I am doing or thinking into cyberspace for anyone to read. I am a recorder of my life and thoughts. You are reading my blog, so I am not adverse to sharing my musings, but not minutia. Not constantly. I love email and Skype is wonderful for keeping in touch with family and friends around the globe, but I hover on the fringe of a generation that craves sharing and consuming vast quantities of information. Recently, my brother-in-law revealed two things that made him feel old: His state Golden Discount Card arrived in the mail just a week before his sixtieth birthday, and he purchased hearing aides.

My wakeup call came at the movie theater when I realized I am not interested in disseminating photos and information to a gaggle of friends on Face book or MySpace. I am content with blank-paged journals or small black notebooks, the Moleskine brand, that its manufacturers are pleased to say were used by Hemingway and Picasso as if my words and doodles immediately become weighty and worthy of an audience when captured in those pages.

My former editor is probably laughing in his grave. He reminded once, after years of emailing my column to him rather than visiting in person, that once I had written about cell phone and email’s downside: constant availability and lack of personal contact. Never say never. I may find my tweeting voice yet, but for the moment, I still like fountain pens and hardcopy books and will leave tweeting to the information generation and birds…
© 2010 Mary van Balen

WOMAN’S HEAD, BY KATHRYN HOLT, PHOTO MARY VAN BALEN

Years ago, my daughter sculpted a woman’s head for an art class but forgot to make a hole in the base to allow the escape of heated air. The piece exploded in the kiln, and she was irritated at her oversight. Her instructor, ceramicist Tony Davenport, had a different opinion.

“Don’t worry,” he said as she glued together large pieces that remained. “This may be the best thing that happened to it.”

Kathryn wasn’t sure how to take his remark. Did the hours painstakingly dedicated to creating the head count less towards its artistic merit than the accidental explosion? As days passed and she looked at the head with its gaping holes, her perspective changed. Lines where pieces had been rejoined and empty places suggested not only struggle and pain, but also survival. The head emanated a hard-won dignity.

Are we not the same, embracing life with energy and hope, sometimes successfully meeting challenges and opportunities, sometimes not? Life takes unexpected turns that break our bodies and hearts into pieces. At times we can put them back together; at other times we are left with gaping holes. We are blessed when people, like Kathryn’s professor, can see beauty and opportunity where we see ruin.

We make choices and mistakes that change the course of our lives in major as well as minor ways: What job to accept, who to marry, where to live, how to eat, what to say, where to study. The list is endless, and as Robert Frost writes, “Yet knowing how way leads on to way/I doubted if I should ever come back,”* each choice leads to another. Like Kathryn’s sculpture, we are the a mosaic of life and our responses to it.

Tony took a creative effort, a mistake, and its results and helped my daughter make something meaningful from them. Our Creator helps us embrace life, whatever it holds, and fashion something meaningful. We are disappointed, but we have hope. We are hurt, but we heal. We are overwhelmed, but we rise again. We are blessed and we give thanks. We are broken, but we are beautiful.

*
“The Road Not Taken”
© 2010 Mary van Balen