Permission to be Still

Permission to be Still

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

The day is perfect. I’m sitting with a friend on the porch of her beautiful home in the woods on Whidbey Island. Cool air blows by and sunlight plays on the branches of firs, cedars, and hemlocks. Chestnut backed chickadees and black headed juncos fly in and out of the feeder, and a woodpecker calls like a squeaky dog-toy from the woods. I’ve just finished drinking a large glass of watermelon aqua frescas when the feeling rises: Guilt. I should be doing something. I could write in my journal, make a sketch of the Douglas Fir, cedar, and hemlock needles so I can remember and identify them. I could read or compose a blog. I have an article to edit.

But all I want to do is sit, look, and breathe in pine-scented salty air. My friend reclines in her favorite red canvas chair, and now and then we comment on the birds, lack of rain, or deer that eat the Marion berry brambles she brought from her former home on Puget Sound. Then we are quiet, each with our own thoughts, or in my case, a combination of no thoughts and guilt.

I finally give myself permission to be still. To be an appreciator of creation, of a friendship that doesn’t require lots of conversation. To be present to the moment without having to record it with camera or pen. I simply sit, and when I think about it, give thanks.  It’s luxurious. And Graceful. And perfectly acceptable.

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

Not more than a month ago, I was on the other side of the country, participating in a contemplative residency for Shalem’s Spiritual Guidance Program. Silence and presence wove in and out of every day, reverenced  as an essential way of prayer. A way of becoming mindful of the Creator who made all and who resides within each of us. How could such stillness be worthy on retreat, but suspect on this glorious afternoon? How does our culture’s value of “doing” so quickly trump the wisdom of being still?  Have you wondered at that when the moment says “rest,” but some inner voice speaks louder: “Not now. No Time. Maybe later?” When the ingrained imperative to “be productive” pulls you away from your heart’s desire, how has your struggle gone?

Today, I wrestled for awhile, then relaxed into spacious silence. A small victory, sweet and refreshing, like the watermelon aqua frescas.

When Spring Freezes

When Spring Freezes

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Not only were the crocuses in my neighbor’s lawn blooming in early March, they were covered with bees! After months of sub-freezing temperatures, inches of ice, and more inches of snow, the earth had warmed enough to coax beautiful purple flowers out of their dark waiting place. Spring, it seemed, had arrived.

Passersby stopped to see what enticed me to stoop low and look closely. “Bees,” I said. “Bees are all over these flowers.”

Some stopped long enough to look themselves. After a frigid winter, we were ready for a change.

Spiritual life can be like that. Sometimes winters of the soul seem to last forever. Then, just when we’ve come to terms with the possibility of unending cold and emptiness, everything changes: Hope wakes up and shakes her feathers. Life erupts like the crocuses. Intoxicated, we nuzzle down into the golden centers and rise up heavy with life-giving pollen sticking all over. Unable to contain our joy, we move from hope to hope, from beauty to beauty. Like bees, we’re called by Mystery to an ancient dance, and we join in, spreading the sticky grace and picking up more everywhere we go.

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

Then, as quickly as it left, the cold returns. The crocuses across the street are suddenly bowed under a fresh fall of snow. Bees have disappeared to wherever it is they go to escape the freeze. A collective sigh rises from the earth. People bundle up in winter coats again. The few days of warmth make the cold bite deeper, and we shiver in temperatures we would have welcomed a month ago.

Spiritual spring can be just as fickle. Fear or worry blow in from somewhere and hope retreats. Sticky grace feels more like goo. We’re not flitting from  hope to hope. We’re not moving at all. A groan rises from deep inside. The emptiness seems larger after having danced with Joy.

“It won’t last,” we tell ourselves but struggle to believe it.

It’s a good time to listen to music or to sit in the dark and gaze at stars, or a candle, or nothing.  We might curl up with a good book of poetry, or linger with scripture. Story reminds us that this dance with winter and spring is nothing new. If we can settle in with the cold and dark, we discover they  have gifts of their own. And it doesn’t last forever.

Eventually, sun will melt the snow. Flowers will straighten their stems and lift their heads. The bees will come back, and we’ll feast on sticky Grace.

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

Mercy and a Fresh Start

Mercy and a Fresh Start

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

Here I am, at the beginning of three days off. I began well enough, attending morning mass with a handful of other parishioners, most of whom are regulars in the mornings. I’m not. My friend, Fr. Denis, greeted me with his dazzling smile and a hug. “What a good surprise to have you here. Maybe today’s readings will provide you with a story for your work.”

As Denis said in his homily, he read the short version of the account from Daniel, figuring we could fill in the other few pages that read like modern soap operas. Nothing changes. In the Old Testament reading, two old men with egos smarting after a beautiful young woman spurned their sexual advances, accused her of adultery. They couldn’t get their stories straight when questioned by Daniel, and instead of condemning the woman, Daniel pronounced a gruesome punishment for her accusers: being split in two by sword-wielding angels.

The New Testament reading featured adultery as well. This time the woman had been caught in the act. They guy as well, I presume, since it takes two, but he slipped away unscathed, leaving the woman to face the righteous crowd eager to stone her to death. Enter Jesus. He bends down and draws something in the sand, then instructs the one who has not sinned to throw the first stone. Well, that pretty well doused their enthusiasm, and they walked away, forced to reflect on their own sins. Jesus didn’t condemn anyone; he simply instructed the woman to go and sin no more.

Forgiveness and mercy. Encouragement. And a dose of reality: None of us is without failings. Maybe that’s why it’s easier to focus on the sin outside of us rather than what’s closer to home. It’s the old story of getting all worked up over the speck in your neighbor’s eye while ignoring the log in your own.

The story I took away from mass wasn’t the ever-present struggle with weakness and the propensity to do what we know isn’t good for us or for the world. Like letting water run when you brush your teeth. Or pouring pesticides that kill bees on your garden. Or wasting time or food. Or  letting anger and anxiety get the best of you instead of “being peace.” Or ranting about the sorry state of Congress.

No. I walked out of there grateful that Jesus didn’t call down avenging angels or condemn anyone, but instead invited them to reflection and a fresh start.

I drove home and indulged in celebration of my three days off by making and sharing blueberry pancakes and bacon with my daughter. Someone once told me that we should seize every opportunity to celebrate, and I follow that advice as often as possible.

Then, instead of getting right to work on all the things I hoped to accomplish in the next seventy-two hours, I succumbed to distractions like buying a coffee while shopping for a few groceries, cleaning the kitchen, and checking email. Not bad. Then I played two games of spider solitaire. Talk about wasting time. It takes awhile because when it becomes obvious that the game is bound to end with a low score, I don’t finish it, but start over, hoping for better cards.

Flipping the cover down over my iPad, I lit my prayer candle and finally settled into work on a book project and readings for a class, counting on Jesus’ mercy and a fresh start.

© 2015 Mary van Balen

Birdsong and Hope

Birdsong and Hope

PHOTO:Mary van Balen

PHOTO:Mary van Balen

Sitting quietly, holding a cup of tea to warm my hands, I tried to enter into silence, greeting the morning, welcoming Presence. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. After ten minutes or so, I couldn’t help but focus on the birdsong coming from snow-blanketed tress and yards outside my building. Try as I might, I couldn’t let them go. “An invitation,” I decided.

Putting down the tea I opened the front door to see if I could spot the singers. Squinting my eyes against the bright light reflecting off all the white, I could see a small form or two on a tree a few doors down. I went inside, grabbed binoculars, slid my feet into slippers, and walked out the side door onto the driveway.

Cold, crisp air felt wonderful. Sun shine everywhere. Birdsong coming from every direction. “Sparrows,” I decided, on the trees over the red-tiled roof. “Cardinal.” The raspy bark of a woodpecker. Then, from somewhere out front, a clear, three-note call. I turned and followed the sound. Against the bright sun, only the bird’s silhouette could be seen. I began to hum along…three descending notes. “Lovely,” I thought, singing along. “What notes?”

I stepped back inside to find an instrument. The piano hadn’t made the transition into my apartment, residing now at my sister’s home in Ann Arbor. The guitar wasn’t tuned. Ah, the recorder, resting in its original hinged box, sat in front of a row of books in the glass-fronted case. Wrapped in scraps of pink and white flannel cut from pajamas decades ago, the pear wood instrument still produced warm tones as my fingers ran through the scale.

PHOTO:Mary van BAlen

PHOTO:Mary van Balen

There were the notes: B above middle C, A, and G. Over and over. Like “Three Blind Mice.” I don’t know why I wanted to know the notes. Maybe to honor the little singer who helped fill the winter morning with hope. Hope of coming spring. Of life waiting for a thaw, prepared by cold and darkness to push up into daylight. I played the notes over and over. God-breath could sing through me today, if I let it. That’s the invitation.

One more look outside. The long icicle hanging from a downspout along the porch overhang was melting. Drop after drop formed at its tip, liquid light. Suddenly, it crashed into the snow beneath. The little bird had disappeared into a large tree across the street. It kept singing, now in tandem with the one called ‘hope’ that perched in my soul, as Emily Dickinson wrote, who wouldn’t stop at all.

Repent, and Believe in the Gospel

Repent, and Believe in the Gospel

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

Sometimes our communities are close at hand. We live in them. Worship in them. Share food and conversation and life with them day by day. Sometimes our communities are with people who live far from us. We are united in spirit and prayer, love and commitment to a common journey.

Today, Ash Wednesday, I celebrated the beginning of Lent, not with my physically close community, but with the long distance community of some fellow pilgrims. It hadn’t been planned. It just happened.

A phone call from a missionary friend who lives in Guatemala, ran longer than expected. The conversation about being faithful to the call of writing as we move along on our pilgrimage through life needed to be finished. I made the decision to celebrate the start of the season with her, instead.

With her and with a few others. One friend I met while we were both taking summer courses at St. John’e School of Theology. Divorce, illness, job searches, a move, a wedding…the stuff of life and faith shared together for years. Her PhD dissertation was on liturgical use of Lament. Her insights have supported me through the years even though we have visited in person at her island home  only once since our classes. I slid two articles about the spiritual journey into an envelope addressed to her. We’ll read and talk about them as her health allows.

I began reading today from the book “A Season for the Spirit:Readings for the Days of Lent'” by Martin L. Smith, a gift from a woman who lives in St. Louis. Both taking a spiritual guidance program from Shalem, we’ve been in touch since our first residency last year. “A Season for the Spirit” has been a fruitful guide for her in a few Lents over the years. We are praying though it together this year.

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

Despite feeling good about beginning Lent with these fellow travelers, I missed receiving ashes with a community. I looked above my prayer table and saw the palm cross from last Palm Sunday, given to me by a friend in my parish. Taking it down, I cut it into pieces, placed it in an aluminum pan and walked outside. I put the pan in the snow and lit the palms, turning them into ashes. Coming back inside, I placed the ashes in one of my mother’s small salt dishes, lit a candle, read today’s readings, and then blessed the ashes with the words from the liturgy. After pushing my thumb into the burnt palm, I prayed the short prayer that accompanies the ritual and made the sign of the cross with ashes on my forehead..

One with believers around the world, with those in my parish and city, and with my community of pilgrims around the world, I prayed: “Repent, and believe in the Gospel.” With their help, and the breath of the Spirit, I will.

Hang In There

Hang In There

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

We are not among those who draw back and perish, but among those who have faith and will possess life.  Hb 10, 39

This morning’s Mass readings were full of “words” that spoke to my heart: Not throwing away what you have been given. Seeds growing, we know not how. The tiniest of seeds becoming the largest of plants. As I sat quietly in prayer, I became aware of the plants that line up along my buffet in front of the window. Of the Peace Lilies, one huge, that filter the air I breathe. Of the mystery of how they grow, turning sunlight into what they need, and how they serve me and the planet. Mystery. So much I can never know.

But it was the line from Hebrews that struck deepest. I think because I’m sometimes among those who draw back. Life isn’t easy for any of us, regardless of appearances. Like the life of the peace lily, it’s full of unknowables. In the face of darkness I’m tempted to forget the Light. In the presence of silence, I’m tempted to forget the Song. Or worse, not believe that Light and Song are out there (or in here) at all. I keep on keeping on, as Pete Seeger and Woody Guthrie urged, but without much heart or expectation.

That’s the perishing. The death of hope. The closing up.

The line from Hebrews encourages us to keep the faith. The Holy Mystery doesn’t withhold Life. No. Life is always gushing out. Like rain, it falls everywhere, on everyone. Those hurt or pained by life’s unfair twists and turns may close up tight. The rain of Life runs all over them, but can’t get in. Or can it? God isn’t so easily evaded. Like the rain, Life falls into the soil around each soul, soaking deep into that which holds its roots. Life, sliding off the closed bloom, quietly moves up the stem, sucked up by the inborn will be. The Presence that falls on the outside resides in the center as well.

I think of those for whom just choosing to live is a day by day challenge. Their “yes” to life is as much opening as they can muster. And it is enough. For those of us for whom simply living does not require daily assent, but challenges our perseverance, closing up tight may be the best we can do on some days. That is enough,too.

Thankfully, God-Life keeps pouring out, never giving up on us even when we give up on God, and eventually, we gather enough green sap to chance opening again. When we are able, we discover not only that we possess Life, but Life has possessed us all along.

 

 

No Place is “Nowhere”

No Place is “Nowhere”

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

“When he looked, although the bush was on fire, it was not being consumed. So Moses decided, “I must turn aside to look at this remarkable sight. Why does the bush not burn up?” When the Lord saw that he had turned aside to look, God called out from the  bush: “Moses! Moses!” He answered, “Here I am.”  EX 3, 2b-4

I read Sunday’s morning prayer from my “Give Us This Day” book and, though the story was familiar, something about it seemed fresh. I guess it was Moses, talking to himself, wondering out loud why the bush wasn’t consumed by the fire and telling himself he should take a minute and check it out.

It was the words, “turn aside to look” that caught my attention. God wasn’t calling out all along…just after Moses stopped to look. Or was the Divine call constant and Moses just heard it when he quit going about his business of tending the flock and got quiet enough to listen?

I’m having trouble listening these days. Weeks of being in bed or on the couch, sick, coughing, and nursing an ear infection haven’t helped. At first, I thought they would. While home from work I would catch up on some reading, do a bit of writing, and you know, just be better at all the stuff I’m usually too busy to do. Sickness doesn’t  work that way. My eyes hurt and trying to read made me dizzy. Writing was out of the question. Mostly, I put on Netflix and fell asleep watching reruns of old TV shows. Then of course, came the attack of unwanted thoughts and recriminations.

“Why haven’t I gotten more done?” “I’ll never finish readings for this course. I’m probably no good at it anyway. Maybe I should quit.” It didn’t take long before the worth of my entire life was in question and the future looked particularly dim. Didn’t help to learn a week into antibiotics and cough syrup, that the store where I work was closing in March. The job I’m not crazy about looked much better from the vantage point of not having one at all. Life. Not all it’s cracked up to be.

Then comes Moses. He meets God in a bush out in the middle of nowhere. “That’s me,” I think, “out in the middle of nowhere.” But can a place be nowhere if God hangs out there? I mean, what puts a place on the map if the possibility of running into the Big Kahuna doesn’t?

That’s hopeful. No place is “nowhere” if  what is most Sacred dwells there. That includes places like work, a dirty kitchen, or a tissue cluttered couch. Even a sick, tired heart.  The problem is the Holy Mystery is exactly that, a mystery, and doesn’t seem inclined to catch my attention with lights or voices. At least not that I notice. And there’s where Moses comes in. He told himself he ought to take a closer look. While I’d be better at noticing if the people or objects holding this Divine Presence were marked with roaring flames, I’m giving attentiveness a shot, again.

Quiet time in the morning before life gets rolling too fast to stop. Noticing the sun painting warm orange colors on the clay pot that holds a fledgling peace plant. Accepting the graciousness of co-workers who worked extra hours while I was languishing at home. Finding a container of homemade soup placed in my refrigerator so I would have something easy and healthy to eat after my first day back to work. Calls from my kids, just making sure their mom was getting better. The smile of a customer.

There are challenges, too. Trusting I’ll find a job with health benefits. Hoping in the face of a country that seems run by big money and a world torn by racism and violence. Believing when prayer doesn’t seem to make a difference. Expecting to find Presence and Grace when I take time to be still and take a closer look at the ordinary stuff that fills my day.

 

 

 

 

Epiphany Thoughts

A Star Appeared in the Sky

A Star Appeared in the Sky

It was Christmas Eve day and, since my work schedule didn’t begin until the afternoon, I was enjoying a hot, leisurely bath. My upstairs neighbor walked down the metal steps outside our building, taking loads of Christmas goodies to her car as she prepared for a trip south. Bells jingled with each step.

“Holidays,” I thought, “are important markers for the human spirit.” The day’s morning prayer included a reading that declared the covenant between God and God’s people would be broken if the sun and moon didn’t follow one another, if night didn’t follow day. Unthinkable. As the Psalmist says, God made the sun and moon to mark the seasons.

Holidays provide a framework for our years. Working in retail has shown me how disorienting lack of markers can be. Weekends used to be two days in a row when paid labor took a break and the hiatus could be filled however one chose or needed. For Christians, Sundays were a day of prayer and rest. Well, the best we could muster in our busy 24/7 world. But in retail, weekends are One Day Sales and time to offer services to shoppers. Days off vary week to week. As a result, many times I wake up and think: “What day is this?” and it might take me a minute or two to come up with the answer.

Holidays, however observed, help us focus on what is important and beyond our routine. The Sacred in our midst. The sacrifices of others. The blessings that grace us. My neighbor, jingling down the steps, was preparing to spend time with family and friends and to remember with them the mystery of God come to earth. She’d take a few days before plunging back into her usual work schedule.

Soaking in the tub, my thoughts turned to the morning’s Old Testament reading from 2 Samuel. David was snug in his palace when an idea struck: “Hmm. I’m sitting in a comfortable house of cedar while the Ark of the Covenant sits outside in a tent! Maybe I should build God a house!”

Sounded good to him so he mentioned it to the prophet Nathan who took up the matter with the Deity. God’s response? No so much. Couldn’t David see the irony? The creature building a house to hold the Creator?

“It was I who took you from the pasture

and from the care of the flock

to be commander of my people Israel.

I have been with you wherever you went,

and I have destroyed all your enemies before you.”

No, God didn’t need a house. Doesn’t sound like God wanted one. The Creator didn’t dwell only in the tent that housed the ark, either. Perhaps David missed it, but God was with him wherever he went. God dwells with the people. No one could say, “God lives here, in this place” rather than “there in your place.” (A notion that gets the world into lots of trouble.) God seems to prefer freedom to roam and turns up in places we’d never expect.

Heating up the bath water, I pondered Epiphany, the feast that asks us to consider God’s coming close so we could get a good look at Divinity. Maybe we’d become better at finding God in a lineup of day-to-day encounters. So when the holidays are over and when I can’t remember what day it is, and when work and life are a busy, messy jumble, God reminds us that the Holy One doesn’t need a special holiday or house or anything else. God is with us always, wherever we are. Always was. Always will be.

That’s worth celebrating! Happy Epiphany!

Happy Thanksgiving to My Parachute Packers

Happy Thanksgiving to My Parachute Packers

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

The story Fr. Denis told during the homily today was simple but profound. Maybe you’ve heard it: A soldier was forced to eject from his plane during battle and float to earth with the help of his parachute. He landed safely but was captured and spent five years in a prisoner of war camp before finally returning home. Many years later, he was staying in a hotel and engaged in conversation with another older veteran. Turned out they both had served on the same aircraft carrier.

“I was a parachute packer,” the older man said. The two men talked for a while and then parted ways. Only after he had returned home and thought about the conversation did the pilot think, “That man may have packed my parachute. He may have been the one who saved my life.”

Likely, packing parachutes on an aircraft carrier during wartime was a long, tedious job. Doing the same thing over and over. Not glamorous. No medals to be had. Simply doing a job well. I wonder how many lives that man saved with his skill and attention to his task.

Then Fr. Denis wondered aloud about the parachute packers in our lives. Surely, there are many, and many of them strangers. People we will never know. The researchers who help develop drugs that save lives and treat depression or stave off infection. The factory workers who can the pumpkin that shows up on many tables today baked into a pie. Parents. Teachers. Friends. The kind associate who helps you find stuff when you’re in a hurry at the grocery store. People who raise the food you eat. Office workers who funnel all those insurance papers through the crazy systems that help make doctor’s visits or surgeries affordable.

The list, of course, is never ending. There is much to lament in our world. There always has been. But today is a day to focus on what is good, life-giving, and full of grace.

At the end of Mass, Fathers Denis and Dean and the two women altar servers handed out small loves of bread to everyone. A reminder of how we are fed, by God and by one another. We don’t make our way through life alone. We’ve got lots of parachute packers walking along with us. Some stay for the long haul. Some move in and out, maybe once and never again. Today we might take a minute or two to reflect on those who have “saved our lives” and give thanks for them and the God who made us all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Room to Grow

Room to Grow

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

PHOTO: Mary van Balen

Finding new pots for root-bound plants isn’t easy in November. After trying convenient stores like Target, I took a drive to a garden store and found what I was looking for. Yesterday, my daughter and I repotted a plant with a history. It’s a snake plant. When she was about eight, she rescued it from me. It wasn’t a favorite. Not even sure where it came from. It sat on a shelf fastened midway up the kitchen window frame and was too tall for that place. In a rare moment of cleaning, I lifted the plant from the shelf and walked with it down the hill to our garden where I unceremoniously removed it from the pot and laid it on the earth, figuring it would be good compost for the next year’s crop.

My young daughter did not approve. “Mom!! You’re KILLING that plant,” she said. No amount of recounting the cycle of nature, of things returning to earth to nourish what comes next could convince her. She stood her ground, looking accusingly into my eyes. “No, YOU ARE KILLING THAT PLANT.”

Exasperated, I gave in, sort of. “If you want it, you repot it.” She wouldn’t bother I thought.

Wrong. She brought it to me in the same pot and poor soil, and it went back on the shelf. That year it flowered for the first time, positively dripping nectar. For two years it did that. In my face. I was chastened, and it has moved with me or one of my daughters ever since.

Yesterday, its savior helped me place it in a lager pot. This plant is huge with some leaves four feet tall. It’s become company for me in my office, and I’ve become fond of it. As I was running in and out of the house for potting soil, florist’s tape, and scissors, I called out to my daughter…

“Talk to it, honey. Lay your hands on it. Hold it steady. It trusts you.” She did and carried it back inside.

Today, after buying three new pots, more soil, and a little trellis for a plant that would just as soon climb as spread out all over the buffet, I prepared the counter in the kitchen and put on a little Bach. Couldn’t hurt, I thought. The three chosen plants were ready to break their old containers with roots so thick and entwined that they easily slid out of the pots. I spoke softly, patted, watered, and placed them in clean saucers on the buffet. Root room at last.

PHOTO:Mary van Balen

PHOTO:Mary van Balen

I cleaned the kitchen and then, for a while, just sat and looked at them. Lovely. Dark soil. Clean clay pots. Room to grow. I thought I should probably do something. Like read for the course I’m taking or visit a great niece who’s spending a few days with her grandparents. Or straighten up the dining room table. But I didn’t want to move. Bach was sounding good. I chose root room over busy, breathing deep and letting thoughts and “shoulds” untangle, like I imagined the roots were beginning to do in their new pots. So, there we sat, the plants and I, listening to Cantata #208 and relishing a little space.